PRIMITIVE NERD

Exchange.

CARNIVORE

Then it Dawned on Them.

FROM THE DUSTY ARCHIVES: ACTUAL HOMEMADE "ART" #2

VERA

I Can Hardly Stand It

EVERYTHING WORTH NOTING #2

JUSTICE PATROL

then, with little fanfare, we killed ourselves.

CAMBODIA

N.E. CORRIDOR

ALMOST THE BEST

 

THE BIG GAME

We were an all-white team, believe it or not. This was back before you were born, even before I met your grandmother. Different times. No teams were colored. Not any of the ones in our conference anyway. But I'm not proud of that. Anyway, I was going to tell you about the night of the big Auburn game, the night I "balled" Mrs. Henderson, Coach Henderson's wife.

Coach Henderson was a tyrant, but he got the best out of us, and it really showed against the Tigers, who were favored to win big that night.

We were down by one point with seven seconds remaining. Coach Henderson called our last timeout. "Boys," he said, "this game is YOURS for the TAKING..." The crowd noise was deafening. He paused for a moment as if to gather the strength to raise his voice (he was dying of throat cancer, though none of us knew it at the time), then bellowed: "...just like my WIFE, the DIRTY FUCKING WHORE!" Coach Henderson gestured angrily to the front row of the Coliseum, where a white-gloved and pillbox-hatted Connie Henderson sat brandishing her large vagina.

I was captivated, to say the least, but Zeke Styles--our captain and perhaps the best center in the history of white Alabama basketball and also (I now realize) a homosexual--kept his mind on the game, unlike the rest of team, who had boners which were much much more obvious in those days before the big baggy shorts were in fashion on the basketball court (as I mentioned before, this was before Negroes really took to the game). Zeke elbowed me in the ribs and shouted in my ear: "I'll find you on the at the top of the key on the inbound," he said. "Take the set-shot--I know you can sink it!" I nodded my head, but my mind was elsewhere: namely on Connie Henderson's swollen southern sexpart, which looked like it was built for intercoursing.

The "ref" (that was our old slang for "referee") blew his whistle. Zeke threaded the needle with a perfect bounce-pass. The Spalding felt like a familiar leathery friend when it hit my hands. I planted my feet with textbook solidity, then spun the ball skyward, towards "downtown".

All of Montgomery's eyes were on me. Time seemed to stand still. I glanced to the sidelines. Mrs. Henderson was looking at me, masturbating frantically in a way that was virtually unheard of at the time. Coach Henderson looked at her looking at me. He was crying. He and I both knew I was about to sink the big one. The rest, as they say, is history.

MERV GRIFFIN KILLED IN IRAQ AT 82

Legendary talk-show host, media mogul, and all-round good guy Merv Griffin--creator of popular gameshows Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy--was killed by a roadside bomb today while on combat patrol southeast of Baghdad. He was eighty-two.  Griffin's death brings to 3,689 the number of American forces killed to date in Iraq. "If the host is sitting there thinking about his next joke, he isn't listening," Griffin reasoned in a recent interview.

SELECTED FILM TITLES IF GOD INSISTED WE CALL HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME (AND HIS FIRST NAME WAS "CRAIG")

Agnes of Craig (1985)
Craig's Little Acre (1958)
The Craigfather (1972)
The Craigfather: Part II (1974)
Craig is My Co-Pilot (1945)
Oh, Craig! (1977)
Giarc Day Afternoon (1975)

EVERYTHING WORTH NOTING #1